Now I find myself thinking, because late night thinking has become something I evolved into sort of a pro at over the years, how did I find myself in this position with you? When we first started talking again I remembered my crush on you and flirted around with you a little, I always thought you were so much better than me, so how did we end up here? To the point where I went from not wanting a relationship to craving one from you? Should that even be right? No of course not, but I don't control these things. I think the worse part about it all, is I enjoy. I like it. I don't want this to stop, but we are so far away and a relationship seems impossible, but you have me hoping that some how, some way, we will end up closer and being able to date. How do you do this?
I don't even know what to believe anymore, all my thoughts have been broken down, my barrier from the major negative is starting to crack again so i'm left with a few positive thoughts fending off an army of negatives. Why is this happening now, and why can't I stop it? I'm alone, and I hate it. What comes next, do I get consumed by my depression once again, close up more, lose some friends along the way, before finally blocking everything once again. I don't know, but now isn't the time for that with me about to move to North Carolina, because I don't have much aid up there. I have my Dad, which is the person I trust the most, but still. He is my father and somethings he won't understand through my eyes because we have different views on a lot of things. What am I going to do? This is when I need to get even more into writing I guess, maybe that will help. Maybe. Just maybe.
I got two new games, Battlefield 3 and Dragonball Z with some weird name attached to it, both are pretty epic games and I find myself getting distracted by them, not too distracted to reply to you though. If it wasn't for you texting me than a lot of people would have to wait for longer replies haha. This is crazy, it is scaring me. You know this though, because I tell you it all the time. That you scare the fuck out o me. Though you've said somethings, and I believe you. I really do. Anyways, I guess this will be one of the ways I vent up in North Carolina, and keep track of the changes in my life. Seems like an interesting project if I do say so myself. Which you know, I kinda do say so and I kind of am saying so. I need to visit Zephryhills also, I miss that place, well not really the place so much as the people. Though in all honesty i'm kind of scared to go back, who knows what could or will happen.
Well plans are being made for special things and I hope that they go through and don't fall in on themselves. Have you ever been so close to having a personal paradise type setting that you can't help but day dream about it? I'm going through one of those phases now. I see something I really want and I can't help but fantasize about making it a reality, no matter how impossible it seems. I hate my imagination though, so many dreams and wants, but when I start getting closer to happier thoughts because of those day dreams my imagination wants to cut in and be like, "Oh I love this part! It is so joyful. But hey, what if a dark twist was thrown in there like... This! Oh and instead of that, what if it was this!" Then my serene beach scene becomes a litter filled sand pit with a disastrous storm coming straight towards the location with ill intent. And my smile quickly fades. Just one of the little things I love dealing with. So I thought maybe this time I would leave a poem or something? Would that be cool? Let us see.
In front of me I see the glimpse of a gleam from my peaceful paradise.
And a star shining so bright, when the sun falls and it becomes night.
But what if this star soon transforms into a dreadful parasite?
Then the dream becomes a nightmare from all the fright.
I just don't want to see this pain so close, no need for hurt.
There is no need for it, nor a need for all the lies.
Protect me please, from a face slammed into dirt.
There isn't a want to stare constantly at a group of failed tries.
Lift me from the cloak of darkness devouring my soul,
Gift the essence of love as a warming blanket to fold,
Gently around my shoulders, so that when I lose all control,
Still I can believe if close, i'd have a source of care to hold.
It is hard living up to self made goals when giving up glows,
And radiates an easier way to be, a much more simple existence.
Falling away from everything I've known, falling from the blows,
That lie hands out, because I've lost my will for resistance.
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